SPANISHMONKEYS: User Guide and Manual
by SpanishMonkeys
Summary: Based on LolliDictator's aka est.1995 Hetalia unit manuals.


**A/N:** I'm trying to get rid of writer's block….it sucks :P BTW, There's a lot of asterisks in here, so I'm just warning you.

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own SPANISHMONKEYS unit. This manual was written in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potentials, and it is advised that you read this before trying anything. Mistreatment of the SPANISHMONKEYS unit can prove extremely lethal.

**Technical Specifications: **

Name: SpanishMonkeys. Will respond to "Sandy", "Spanish", "Denmark*", "Loki**", "Brat", and "Sinwey" (though a bit hesitantly to the second last one, and angrily to Sinwey.)

Age: N/A

Place of Manufacture: Canada

Height: 5'5"

Weight: Heavier than she looks

**Your SPANISHMONKEYS unit comes with the following: **

One (1) leather jacket

One (1) Superman shirt

One (1) Volcom hat

One (1) iPod

One (1) Drawing book, complete with pencils

Twenty-five (25) cans of iced tea

**Programming**

Your SPANISHMONKEYS unit comes equipped with the following traits:

Bodyguard: The SPANISHMONKEYS unit can easily protect you from any threat, but getting her to believe that you are _worth _protecting is a hard task. If you can manage, she will prove to be the best bodyguard money can buy.

Gambler: Need to win some cash? It's easy, if you have an SPANISHMONKEYS unit! Take her to the nearest casino and start a poker game, and with your unit's poker face of steel, you are guaranteed to rake in big cash!

Outgoing: If you like scaring people, then this feature is for you. This unit is great at creeping strangers out, with her normal tactics: Asking awkward questions, dancing, and cosplaying; watching her do this is guaranteed enjoyable!

**Removal of your SPANISHMONKEYS Unit from Packaging**

This may prove to be an extremely difficult task if your SPANISHMONKEYS unit is moved incorrectly, or awakened in the wrong manner. For your safety, we have provided a list of safe ways in which to wake your unit:

1. Stand next to the box and yell, "Mushroom***!" at the top of your lungs. You will hear sobbing from the box, and you can now unlock and unchain it and open it to let a frightened SPANISHMONKEYS out. She will react warmly once she realizes that you do not have a mushroom.

2. Undo the chains on the box and stand very far away, preferable at a distance from which you have to use a microphone in order to shout, "They're picking on Lucy****!" You can also yell, "I'm AWESOME!" Both actions will make your SPANISHMONKEYS unit hostile, though the second phrase might make your unit a bit more so; consequently, she may go off in search of a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit before you can reprogram her.

3. Cook Italian food, preferably a food with a strong odor, and leave a plate of it next to the box before standing far away. Be warned, the lid may fly off and hit you if you are too close. This will make your SPANISHMONKEYS unit leave in search of a FELICIANO VARGRAS unit unless you reprogram her quickly enough.

4. Play the Prussian, Ukrainian, or Belarusian national anthems and stand far away, preferably behind a barrier of some sort. This will make your unit violent and she will go to find a KELSEY CHACE***** unit unless you reprogram her quickly enough.

5. If you think you can manage, then just open the lid of the box and reprogram her directly. Be warned, because the SPANISHMONKEYS unit is notorious for waking up in the middle of reprogramming, and if she does she will immediately turn hostile.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully getting your SPANISHMONKEYS out of her box/calm again, you can reprogram her from his normal _Hyper _form if you so choose.

_Hyper (default)_

_Creepy (default)_

_Sadistic_

_Quiet_

_Shy_

_Insane (locked)_

The SPANISHMONKEYS unit comes in her _Hyper _mode, as stated, and her _Creepy _mode is an add-on to her random personality. If your unit either randomly spews stuff in another language; don't be alarmed: this is proof of her being in her normal mood.

Her _Sadistic_ mode is a bit more troublesome, however. This can be obtained by simply stating that you prefer Prussia over Russia. She will not go on a rampage towards your neighbours, but she will forever onwards be childishly cruel towards you and any other units that she has relationships with.

The_ Shy _mode can be used by forcing your unit to go to a party, or somewhere social; she will become withdrawn, and will default to a poker face, saying nothing.

The locked mode, _Insane_, is unadvisable, but can be gained through various methods. It can be activated by offhandedly mentioning your neighbour's MATTHEW WILLIAMS unit being in love with your other neighbour's IVAN BRAGINSKI unit, or something along those lines.

**Relationships with Other Units: **

MATHIAS KøHLER: These two have a long history and tend to annoy the LUKAS BONDEVIK unit together. They make great drinking buddies, though, as SPANISHMONKEYS becomes very quiet when drunk. You know, the yin and yang thing.

BERWALD OXENSTIERNA: Your SPANISHMONKEYS unit may decide that she wants this unit, and it is not uncommon for your unit to vanish and stalk a BERWALD OXENSTIERNA unit. By default, BERWALD OXENSTIERNA will constantly reject the SPANISHMONKEYS unit, however, and you might return home one day to find your unit knocking back bottles of alcohol.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: While the GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit likes your unit with a passion, SPANISHMONKEYS hates him even more so. If in _Sadistic_, your unit will go to find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. If in _Insane_, there is a 60% chance that your unit will go find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. Actually, there's a 50% chance that even in her normal modes, SPANISHMONKEYS will go find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. We, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any claims filed against you by the angry owner of your unit's targeted GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT.

TINO VAINAMOINEN: If in her_ Insane _mode, your unit might go and search for a TINO VAINAMOINEN in order to find a sort of peace. TINO VAINAMOINEN is more or less your unit's trauma sponge, but he's the type of trauma sponge that you hurl at the ground and stomp on. Again, we, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any claims filed against you because of your unit's actions.

EMIL STEILSSON: The younger brother of the LUKAS BONDEVIK, this unit will most likely avoid your unit. There's no reason to worry about him unless he is in his locked _Rabid _mode.

LUKAS BONDEVIK: The older brother of EMIL STEILSSON, he will again, most likely avoid your unit when possible, because that usually means a MATHIAS KøHLER unit is not far behind.

**Cleaning**

Your SPANISHMONKEYS unit can take care of herself.

**Feeding**

Your unit enjoys Italian cuisine, but she will also eat anything you give her; except for any Asian-type food.

**Rest**

This unit is an early-riser, but she goes to bed late. You might awaken to find that she has vanished, in which case you don't need to worry because she is probably just off stalking an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My SPANISHMONKEYS unit is threatening to kill me! What should I do?

A: Well, this is one of the risks of buying this unit. However, you can just smile and give her iced tea, and she will be happy as a clam again.

Q: The iPod I was sent broke, and now my unit is ripping apart my home searching for a new one. How can I stop her from destroying my house?

A: The best response is to tell her that iced tea is better than water pipes, and give her enough to last you a trip to the store to find an iPod identical to the one we sent you.

Q: My unit's jacket got dirty with something that looks suspiciously like blood, but that doesn't matter as much as her rampaging all over the place!

A: Wait for her to sleep, then take the jacket carefully and wash it. If she's so angry that she doesn't sleep, give her iced tea and then take the jacket.

You'll find that most of your unit's problems can be solved with a can (or ten) of sweetened iced tea.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your SPANISHMONKEYS has shed her Slightly American outfit in exchange for the Emo style, and now she does nothing but sit quietly and mope. Occasionally she curses at you in Swedish or German and threatens to kill you for being so useless.

Solution: Congratulations! You've managed to unlock her _Depressed_ mode. In this mode, attempting to speak to her will land you a glare and her cursing you under her breath; the way to get her out of this is to call a TINO VAINAMOINEN over and have him do the hard work. We are not responsible for any damage done to the TINO VAINAMOINEN unit.

Problem: Instead of a tall, teenage Canadian female, you received a toddler wearing an overcoat.

Solution: We mixed up the order and sent you a Chibi!SpanishMonkeys. This version of the SPANISHMONKEYS unit is cute, cuddly, and will not kill you as soon as you make her mad. She is rather stubborn, though, and hates the cold; giving her music to listen to, or painting her bedroom orange, will make her adore you. Chibi!SpanishMonkeys is much more tolerated by the LUKAS BONDEVIK unit, more liked by the TINO VAINAMOINEN and BERWALD OXENSTIERNA units, but bullied by GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. If you would prefer a fully grown SPANISHMONKEYS, then you can call Customer Services and we will take back the Chibi!SpanishMonkeys. Please get her in the box before growing too attached, though.

**End Notes**

With proper care and treatment of your unit, SPANISHMONKEYS will become a great companion. There is a lifetime warranty on her, so if there are any problems that Customer Services cannot help you with, send her back and tell us what went wrong. Good luck!

* * *

*My nickname is Denmark in my group of friends.

**My other nickname is Loki. I think you can guess why.

***I have mycophobia, which is a fear or aversion to mushrooms XP

****I friend gets picked on a lot, so I get really protective.

*****She is the reason why my nickname is Denmark.


End file.
